I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
