the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Please don't give away my fajitas
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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