so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
