I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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