he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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