went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
