I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
