Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
