i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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