just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
