last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
