I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I believe in your delicious
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
