It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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