I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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