On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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