If i come over, it means nothing
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
