There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A bitchslap is in order.
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