He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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