Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
