It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
