How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
