Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I am midnight drunk by noon
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
