yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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