Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
