After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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