Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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