mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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