Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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