thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize