Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He better not be in your backpack
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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