my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
