I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
