At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
