And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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