he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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