the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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