Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
