just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
