In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's shark week go big or go home
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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