Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
