fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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