I heard we made out
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize