im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
