everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize