I can text with my tongue
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
