My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
