Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
