I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
