Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
