this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Still dying that you shit outside
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
