My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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