Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize