This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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