I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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