do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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