I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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