She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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