I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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