I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
