As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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