I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
